So I thought I would try this blogging malarkey on the basis that maybe it will be cathartic in someway. Maybe I would find others in a similar situation to my own and maybe, just maybe, I might learn something helpful from how they've dealt with their deck of cards.
I have a 15 month old son and am 19 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Scary huh?! I'd say! I work part time in paid employment and spend the rest of my time doing much the same as many mummies - trying to live something resembling as normal a life as I can muster in the circumstances. Of course that involves generally cleaning up crap (literally), cooking, washing, a bit of exercise and trying to hold my relationship together with whatever energy I have left at the end of it.
But the reason I have come to blog isn't because of this. When I was 20 weeks pregnant with my son my mum died.
I'm still not really sure it has sunk in, which is probably a bit daft given that it's been 20 months but, despite a much longed for entry to motherhood, my life has turned inside out, upside down, and been shaken around a few times.
So that's it. I've said it. It's out there.
Living with a loved one who has been told they are terminally ill is just bloody awful. The best way I can describe it is that someone is standing above you the whole time with a shovel raised above their head, saying 'I am going to hit you with this really hard, but I am not going to tell you when.' I can't think of a better way to describe it. It made me ill - knowing I was going to lose my closest friend and much loved mother. She was 54, and so very excited about the prospect of her first grandchild.
I don't want this blog to focus on the negatives though - it would be too easy for it to become a ranting ground. A space for me to let off some steam and be angry at no one and everyone at the same time. God knows I probably have an enormous amount of emotion trapped somewhere inside that I just cannot afford to release. I am only well aware of how much harder life could be and how much harder other people have it. This is about the present and the future, and a bit about the past because that's life, that's what is important, and that's what I need to focus on. So, is anybody out there...?
